dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
