Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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