im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
