the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
what day is it and did you see me today?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
