you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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