I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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