Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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