I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
