you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
