Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
