someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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