the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
