Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
