A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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