Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Small penises have feelings too.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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