I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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