I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize