My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
