I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
