Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
