A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
