Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
