Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
