ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
