my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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