I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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