Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
