eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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