Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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