Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
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She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
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He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one