I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.