you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Randomize
