I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
