Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Randomize
