i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
