she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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