I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
