I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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