i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
