hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
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He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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