She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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