Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
