Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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