I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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