Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
