Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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