it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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