I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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