Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
