at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
