Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Text me some of your sweat
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