Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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