can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
