Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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