Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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