At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
