It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
