if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
