I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Quick, to the slutcave!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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