Too much gin, very little bucket
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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