I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
it's like iHOP with fire
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
