I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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